Too Sensitive?

I am too sensitive.  I take things to heart that may or may not mean anything at all.  And when it comes to my self-image and how other people view me, I always think in the most negative way.  Motives are always questioned and nothing is as easy as I would like it to be.  I think too much.

Today I received a phone call from my male friend, JP.  We aren't dating, we are friends or something like that.  It is complicated.  It shouldn't be but it is.  Back to the phone call - JP sounded terrible.  He is in the hospital. His colon is inf lammed and he is in excruciating pain.  He called because I sent him a text yesterday that he didn't respond to.  He has been in the hospital since yesterday afternoon and he didn't call until this afternoon.  What does that say?  What does it say about me that I am concerned about why he didn't call sooner?  Don't get me wrong, I am very worried about him.  He has been having problem with his colon since last November and they - the medical community - have done nothing but tell him to watch his diet.  I am hoping that finally someone in the medical community can figure out what is wrong and actually help him. 

Back to my craziness - As the conversation continued - worry on my side and drug-induced rambling and grunts of pain on his - I asked if he wanted visitors.  I can't just come right out and say, "Want me to come sit with you for a bit", that would be too easy.  He didn't say "No", he just went on about the staff bugging him every time he starts to fall asleep and that his parents and daughter have been there.  I took it to mean that I he didn't want me to visit.  Too sensitive?  Too much "me me me"?  I told him I wouldn't come by since it sounded like he needed his rest. 

So I have spent too much time this evening worrying about him and then wondering if I should visit him tomorrow and wondering if it means something that he didn't call me until today.  Crazy much?

I have just about decided to visit tomorrow.  I will make up my mind in the morning but now there are more doubts.  What if he really doesn't want me there?  What if his family is there and what would they think about me visiting?  I know his daughter but I haven't officially met his parents.  But what if I don't go?  If I ignore everything else, what does it say about me  as his friend if I don't stop by? 

This is not an unusual train of thought.  I go through this with almost everything.  I wonder if I am wanted or needed or if people will think I am completely out of place. 

How do I stop the madness?  And how to I learn to become a little less sensitive?  I don't know the answer but I really want to find it.  I NEED to find it.  Until then, I am not really living, I am obsessing.   

The best medicine....

Laughter is truly the best medicine.  After a night of not sleeping, I opted to take the day off and go to the movie with my son.  

I have to say that Tyler Perry is one sexy man.  And hilarious as Madea. I laughed and laughed.  I needed the laugh. 

I feel better for having laughed so much. 

Senseless...

Every day on the news I hear about someone being murdered.  Shot or stabbed senselessly.  Until today, I didn't think something like this would touch my family or those close us.  Today is a reminder that this can happen to anyone. 

My dad called me shortly after 10 am this morning to tell me that a family friend had been murdered early this morning.  KC was having a party at his house when an underage teenager came over.  KC told the kid to leave.  The kid threatened to kill everyone and came back with his cousin.  The cousin stabbed KC twice.   He died at the hospital.  Both the teenager and his cousin are in custody tonight.

KC's dad and my dad have been friends since they were boys.  Both of our families lived in the same town and spent a lot of time together when we were kids.  Although it has been a few years since I have seen KC, I have spent a lot of this day in tears.  Tears have fallen for the tragic loss of life, for the senseless heartbreak to this family, and for the grief on my dad's face.

I can usually make my dad smile and laugh.  Today my attempts resulted in a half-hearted smile.  He feels like he has lost one of his own children and he is worried for his friend who struggled through the loss of his wife several years ago and now must deal with the loss of his youngest son. 

It is hard for me to put into words how I feel.  It is a different feeling than what I felt when I lost a friend in a car accident or a loved one from an illness.  I suppose it is because this seems so calculated, so personal, so senseless. 

Tonight my prayers will be for KC and his family.  I'd like to believe he didn't suffer.  I want to believe that his mom was there holding him and helping him through the pain.  I know she greeted him in heaven with a hug so big and warm and full of love. 

Rest in peace, KC.  I pray that your spirit is at peace and your family find some sort of peace and comfort at this time.

Catching Up!

I am spending the day recovering from what felt like a truly crazy week.  Watching the NASCAR race, doing laundry, and as little of everything else as possible.

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Last Saturday I made a trip to Wasatch Running where mcat helped me find a great pair of shoes.  I am not a runner but with all of the pain in my right heel I need something that I can walk in that won't aggravate the pain.  So far, I have not had any pain when I where the new shoes.  They are pretty too!

Afterward, my son and I visited the new City Creek Center in Salt Lake.  It is a pretty cool mall but not somewhere I  feel I need to visit often.  Plus it is quite a drive from where I live. 



View of Salt Lake Temple from City Creek.



 ***

Work has been a little busier than usual.  Trust me, I am not complaining about this.  I need to keep busy with work.  I am constantly worrying about getting laid-off.  I know it is nothing I can control but the reminder is always there.  Whether it is a comment being made in a meeting or a client who decides to take more of their business in house.  I know a lot of people in every industry feels similar stress.  It is hard to give your all when you are worried that it doesn't matter.  To add to the stress, I have been with this company for 13 years.  There is not a lot of need for the type of work I do.  I am the bread winner of the family and if I lose my job, I could lose everything.  Going back to school is not an option right now.  Been there, done that.  Have two worthless diploma's and tons of college debt.

***

I started water aerobics last Monday. Got up at 5:30 am on Monday and Tuesday for class at 6.  The rest of the week didn't go so well.  But this is a new week and hopefully, I can get in a few more days.  I love the exercise and water in the morning.  Makes me wish I had a pool of my own.  The public pool is only a block away, the cost is minimal, and it is fun.

***

My niece had a dance recital on Thursday evening.  She is beautiful.  I wish I had taken a picture of here before her dance.  We had plenty of time. There were over 40 dance numbers and hers was the last one.  By the time those girls were able to perform they were so tired and bored, that you could tell they didn't care and just wanted to get it over with. 

I have been in and watched a lot of dance recitals, plays, and other performances, and this one was the worst planned and executed performance I have attended.  I felt bad for the girls and parents.  The recital was scheduled to start at 5 but the audience was too large for the auditorium.  They asked families with girls dancing in the last half of the recital to give up their seats to those who were dancing earlier.  We spent the first hour and a half in the lobby waiting for seats. It really should have been split into two nights.  Despite the delays and annoyance, I am glad I went to support Sissy. Did I mention she is beautiful?  I like to think she gets it from her Aunt.

***

Pounding on my door and ringing of the doorbell  interrupted the Thursday night quiet at my house.  My son's friend had run away and another friend came over to tell him and ask if he had heard anything.  All I know right now is that she left the house of another friend, got into a silver car with two other people and left.  Thankfully, she was found on Saturday.  I am happy that she was found.  I am super annoyed that she put her parents through the worry. 

In an odd twist, at the time we found out she was missing, I was reading a book where a 17 year old girl had runaway with her 18 year old boyfriend.   

***

The fickle Utah weather continues.  Wind all day yesterday.  Ever try casting a line on the lake in the wind?  Not fun.  Watching a parade in the wind? Not fun.  I am cool with any other type of weather but I really DO NOT LIKE wind!

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A final note (that I know only Jo might appreciate), NASCAR season coverage is split between FOX Sports and TNT.  Today is the first race of the season covered by TNT.  They are not as good as FOX.  It takes getting used to plus they keep putting Twitter Tweets up on the screen.  In some instances it covers the view of the race.  It stinks.  I am tired of networks thinking they need to post twitter feeds during their shows.  In my opinion, it takes away from the viewing experience. 

On the upside the driver I picked for this week is doing great.  If he keeps it up, I will regain my point lead - I am one point behind.  If I am the leader in points at the end of the season, the winner gets $130.  So far, so good.  I love being in the lead!  

Update - between writing this and getting ready to hit publish my driver has lost a lot of places.  He broke a valve and lost a cylinder.  This is not good.  Ugh!!!

Fickle Weather

I love living in Utah.  There is so much to do.  The scenery is beautiful.  The weather is fickle. 

Example: Memorial weekend - Snow, Rain, Sunshine.

 

Mt. Nebo Scenic Loop
Just above 9,000 feet on Sunday afternoon.

 

The Grotto
A few thousand feet lower.



Big East Lake
Same Canyon. Thursday Evening.  Beautiful.



  The weather man says this weekend should be good.  Crossing my fingers.