Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Too Sensitive?

I am too sensitive.  I take things to heart that may or may not mean anything at all.  And when it comes to my self-image and how other people view me, I always think in the most negative way.  Motives are always questioned and nothing is as easy as I would like it to be.  I think too much.

Today I received a phone call from my male friend, JP.  We aren't dating, we are friends or something like that.  It is complicated.  It shouldn't be but it is.  Back to the phone call - JP sounded terrible.  He is in the hospital. His colon is inf lammed and he is in excruciating pain.  He called because I sent him a text yesterday that he didn't respond to.  He has been in the hospital since yesterday afternoon and he didn't call until this afternoon.  What does that say?  What does it say about me that I am concerned about why he didn't call sooner?  Don't get me wrong, I am very worried about him.  He has been having problem with his colon since last November and they - the medical community - have done nothing but tell him to watch his diet.  I am hoping that finally someone in the medical community can figure out what is wrong and actually help him. 

Back to my craziness - As the conversation continued - worry on my side and drug-induced rambling and grunts of pain on his - I asked if he wanted visitors.  I can't just come right out and say, "Want me to come sit with you for a bit", that would be too easy.  He didn't say "No", he just went on about the staff bugging him every time he starts to fall asleep and that his parents and daughter have been there.  I took it to mean that I he didn't want me to visit.  Too sensitive?  Too much "me me me"?  I told him I wouldn't come by since it sounded like he needed his rest. 

So I have spent too much time this evening worrying about him and then wondering if I should visit him tomorrow and wondering if it means something that he didn't call me until today.  Crazy much?

I have just about decided to visit tomorrow.  I will make up my mind in the morning but now there are more doubts.  What if he really doesn't want me there?  What if his family is there and what would they think about me visiting?  I know his daughter but I haven't officially met his parents.  But what if I don't go?  If I ignore everything else, what does it say about me  as his friend if I don't stop by? 

This is not an unusual train of thought.  I go through this with almost everything.  I wonder if I am wanted or needed or if people will think I am completely out of place. 

How do I stop the madness?  And how to I learn to become a little less sensitive?  I don't know the answer but I really want to find it.  I NEED to find it.  Until then, I am not really living, I am obsessing.   

Friday, July 6, 2012

The best medicine....

Laughter is truly the best medicine.  After a night of not sleeping, I opted to take the day off and go to the movie with my son.  

I have to say that Tyler Perry is one sexy man.  And hilarious as Madea. I laughed and laughed.  I needed the laugh. 

I feel better for having laughed so much. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012


Every day on the news I hear about someone being murdered.  Shot or stabbed senselessly.  Until today, I didn't think something like this would touch my family or those close us.  Today is a reminder that this can happen to anyone. 

My dad called me shortly after 10 am this morning to tell me that a family friend had been murdered early this morning.  KC was having a party at his house when an underage teenager came over.  KC told the kid to leave.  The kid threatened to kill everyone and came back with his cousin.  The cousin stabbed KC twice.   He died at the hospital.  Both the teenager and his cousin are in custody tonight.

KC's dad and my dad have been friends since they were boys.  Both of our families lived in the same town and spent a lot of time together when we were kids.  Although it has been a few years since I have seen KC, I have spent a lot of this day in tears.  Tears have fallen for the tragic loss of life, for the senseless heartbreak to this family, and for the grief on my dad's face.

I can usually make my dad smile and laugh.  Today my attempts resulted in a half-hearted smile.  He feels like he has lost one of his own children and he is worried for his friend who struggled through the loss of his wife several years ago and now must deal with the loss of his youngest son. 

It is hard for me to put into words how I feel.  It is a different feeling than what I felt when I lost a friend in a car accident or a loved one from an illness.  I suppose it is because this seems so calculated, so personal, so senseless. 

Tonight my prayers will be for KC and his family.  I'd like to believe he didn't suffer.  I want to believe that his mom was there holding him and helping him through the pain.  I know she greeted him in heaven with a hug so big and warm and full of love. 

Rest in peace, KC.  I pray that your spirit is at peace and your family find some sort of peace and comfort at this time.