I am too sensitive. I take things to heart that may or may not mean anything at all. And when it comes to my self-image and how other people view me, I always think in the most negative way. Motives are always questioned and nothing is as easy as I would like it to be. I think too much.
Today I received a phone call from my male friend, JP. We aren't dating, we are friends or something like that. It is complicated. It shouldn't be but it is. Back to the phone call - JP sounded terrible. He is in the hospital. His colon is inf lammed and he is in excruciating pain. He called because I sent him a text yesterday that he didn't respond to. He has been in the hospital since yesterday afternoon and he didn't call until this afternoon. What does that say? What does it say about me that I am concerned about why he didn't call sooner? Don't get me wrong, I am very worried about him. He has been having problem with his colon since last November and they - the medical community - have done nothing but tell him to watch his diet. I am hoping that finally someone in the medical community can figure out what is wrong and actually help him.
Back to my craziness - As the conversation continued - worry on my side and drug-induced rambling and grunts of pain on his - I asked if he wanted visitors. I can't just come right out and say, "Want me to come sit with you for a bit", that would be too easy. He didn't say "No", he just went on about the staff bugging him every time he starts to fall asleep and that his parents and daughter have been there. I took it to mean that I he didn't want me to visit. Too sensitive? Too much "me me me"? I told him I wouldn't come by since it sounded like he needed his rest.
So I have spent too much time this evening worrying about him and then wondering if I should visit him tomorrow and wondering if it means something that he didn't call me until today. Crazy much?
I have just about decided to visit tomorrow. I will make up my mind in the morning but now there are more doubts. What if he really doesn't want me there? What if his family is there and what would they think about me visiting? I know his daughter but I haven't officially met his parents. But what if I don't go? If I ignore everything else, what does it say about me as his friend if I don't stop by?
This is not an unusual train of thought. I go through this with almost everything. I wonder if I am wanted or needed or if people will think I am completely out of place.
How do I stop the madness? And how to I learn to become a little less sensitive? I don't know the answer but I really want to find it. I NEED to find it. Until then, I am not really living, I am obsessing.