Self Guilt? Not today...

I took this week off of work hoping that I would accomplish something. I had plans for spring cleaning; wall washing, the whole nine yards, thinking that if I did those things now I wouldn't need to worry about them when I move out in June.  It's Friday and I have accomplished nothing.  I barely put the laundry away from last weekend.  I know I should feel guilty.  It is in my genes.  My Mom is the Queen of getting things done and piling on the self guilt when she hasn't accomplished what she set out to do.  But somehow I can't find the guilt in spending a week doing very little which had been  important or productive.   I've been lazy and I have kind of enjoyed it.   Monday I went to my Grandma's house.  Tuesday I went for a four-wheeler ride.  Wednesday I went golfing for nine holes.  Thursday I helped watch my sisters kids.  And today, I have done a whole lot of nothin'.   I also visited the library but I can't recall what day.  Read two books.  Sort of read another in little bits and pieces here and there.  Of course, this one is the important one but it will be finished shortly.  

I scheduled my son's driving test so hopefully after May 9th he can legally drive without his Mom in the car.  Apparently she is extremely annoying to drive with and has a permanent leg cramp from thinking she can slow down the car if she presses hard enough on the passenger side floor.  Speaking of the Boy,  he has been invited to yet another prom  -   I guess I forgot to post about the first one - and since he listens so well to the teachings of his mother he had to say yes. (I told him he should always say "Yes" when a girl asks him out, unless it coincides with other plans, in which case he needs to make a date for another night, OR if he has a girlfriend.)  But when did the girls start inviting the boys to the prom? At this point it is looking to be more cost effective to just buy the dang tux. 

My sister will be here soon to take me over to my parents so that I can borrow my mom's car for some teenage driving experience.  He will be using her car for his road test since mine is an embarrassment to mankind and I really don't want it to breakdown on the poor kid while he is taking the test.   So this weekend he gets to get "comfortable" in a decent car. 

Hope all of you have an enjoyable and safe weekend. 

Notes from the past...

Yesterday I found treasure.  It was disguised in a small red and white box simply labeled "books".  Inside were 5 small notebooks.  Seemingly innocuous enough that many people may have set them aside.  Instead, I asked my Grandma, "What are these?"   Her answer was simple enough, "They belonged to Les.  He liked to write things down in them."  These 5 small notebooks were a link to my Grandpa who passed away in 1993.  

Reverently, I picked one out and opened it to the first page.  On the back of the cover was written "Live. Live."  Those two words brought tears to my eyes.  More followed as I realized that some of these were written in the last few years of his life while he was battling cancer.  I didn't know what to expect but I continued turning pages one by one in each notebook.  These weren't filled with his thoughts or fears, instead I found to-do lists, lists of old country music songs, song lyrics, a few random thoughts, memo's to himself, notations about the time of the sunrise and sunset, drawings, calculations, and scripture references.  I asked my Grandma about the last and she told me that he always read the scriptures, long before he started going to church and they were sealed in the LDS Temple in Salt Lake City. 

I was lucky to know my Grandpa during the first 18 years of my life.  I am lucky to have memories of him and I am lucky that I have a large extended family who shares their childhood stories.  Yet the treasure I found yesterday made me feel closer to the man than I have since before he passed away.  From his own day-to-day notes to himself I learned more about his sense of responsibility in the form his to-do lists, his love for his family, his love for the scriptures, and his love for music.  Many of these I already knew based solely on my memories. But seeing these things in his own hand writing was something else entirely. As I looked at his lists of songs, I felt a kinship with him because I love many of the same old country songs as he did.  His love of the scriptures is something I had never known about before.  From his notes it was clear that he didn't just read the scriptures, he KNEW them, he thought about them and absorbed their meaning. They weren't just words to him. 

I am so thankful to my Grandma for having the foresight to keep these small little treasures.  I am sure when he wrote down these little things, he had no idea what they would mean to a granddaughter who found them years later.  For a time yesterday, I felt as though I were closer to the him than ever.  My last memory of him is no longer his prophetic words instructing me not to get married at age 18 - which I did anyway. My last memory happened yesterday as I read these notebooks and the words "Take the ribbon from your hair, shake it loose and let it fall" and sang along.

Joy Ride

One of the many great things about where I live is my proximity to the mountains. From my house I can walk up the canyon road and in just a few minutes be surrounded by nature or I can hop on the four-wheeler and quickly be on the many trails and roads in the foothills; I don't even have to load it onto a trailer and drive there...I just ride  from the house.   This is exactly what a friend and I did a couple of days ago.  

The weather has been iffy here lately: one day it is a beautiful, warm spring day and the next we wake up to snow.  On one of the beautiful days we headed out about 4 in the afternoon and spent several hours riding the trails.  Although, we were never more than 5 miles from home as the crow flies, we traveled a distance of about 20 miles.  During one of our rare stops, I laid out along the seat, resting my head on the pack behind the seat and my legs stretched over the little dashboard.  I closed my eyes and simply listened to the quiet.  I could have stayed like that for hours.  Instead we headed back out on the trails, exploring every single off shoot until it ended or met with another. We saw  deer, squirrels, rabbits, and not another soul.  It was a perfect day to visit nature.  I even managed to take a few pictures with my phone.  Ignore my poor photography skills, please.

An old mine shaft

My little town

View from one of our stops

Living the Present

I love walking with my friend, Rachelle. Not only does my body feel better afterwards but more often than not so does my spirit. We talk about our day, kids, family, work whatever but we also talk about the deeper stuff. Both of us suffer from the negative self-talk, feeling inadequate, frustrated, etc. You name it. So instead of feeling like I need to put on a perfect face and act as though life is fine and dandy, I can share with her my imperfections and she can share hers with me. In the process of sharing these things, I almost always feel less. Less frustrated. Less depressed. Less helpless. Less at a loss as to what to do with my world. Today was no exception.

I had one of those “Ah Ha” moments where you say something insightful without even realizing it. We were talking about a book I am reading which then turned into a small talk about whether or not acceptance of a situation means settling. I don’t think it does. I think accepting where you are in life simply means that you know this is where you are now but not necessarily where you will be in the future but you allow yourself to enjoy and live in the moment. This is not something that I do. Instead I see how I want something to be in my future and when something changes the image I have created, I desperately miss what hasn’t even happened. Now this is where the insightful words come in – I am sure this is not exactly how I said it but the meaning is the same: We are too worried about what we may miss in the future that it holds us back from living and enjoying the present.

As one of my Project Me goals, I am going to live and enjoy the present. The future is still out there but it hasn’t yet been defined. I will accept my present life and enjoy the moments that are now, while keeping an open mind about the future. I hope whoever is reading this does or will do the same.

Productivity is exhausting

Wednesday night after my Procrastination post I made a list of everything I needed to get done on Thursday.  I made it through the majority of the list.  Adding my backlog (really not as bad as I make it sound) and an unusually busy workday, I spent about 10 hours siting at the computer in my home office.  I wanted to be productive but not necessarily that productive yet I still managed to complete the few home related tasks on the list as well.  Yay Me! 

Today was an equally productive day.  A few morning meetings, a report to create, lunch, and an afternoon meeting with more report work.  Phew.  Not done yet though.  Lunch was with my Mom, one of my sisters, and sister-in-law to celebrate my Mom's 60th birthday.  Seriously, she does not look 60.  Then there were a few errands, a stop at the tux place for my son to pick up and try on his tux, the grocery store, a pick up for the corsage, a 30 mile round trip to take the son to his dad's then home to more work in the home office.  Productivity is exhausting. 

Procrastination

I am finally ready to admit it...I am a procrastinator.  I even procrastinate my plan to stop procrastinating.  Today I told myself that tomorrow I would stop procrastinating and do everything that has been piling up.  Why not do it today?  No good reason.  Just didn't want to.  See procrastination.  And I need to stop typing procrastination because the more I do the more it just look like a really weird word.  However, tomorrow I will do better than I did today, I even plan to write a list of things to do but it is kind of late so maybe I should do that tomorrow as well. 

I saw this quote the other day: "Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."  Perhaps lack of enthusiasm accounts for not only my depression but also my procrastination.  Really, I don't procrastinate the things I want to do, only the things I have to do.   Okay...That's a lie.  There are things I want to do that I still procrastinate.  I have a whole list.  Maybe someday I will share that list. I know I have mentioned the list before but haven't gotten around to posting it.

Maybe tomorrow, I stop procrastinating and even blog about my success.  But maybe I'll wait until Friday.  We'll see how enthusiastic I am about it.